1. Soviet leaders Josef Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev and Leonid Brezhnev are traveling by train. Suddenly, the train grinds to a halt.
Stalin is the first to try to solve the problem. He orders that the engine driver be shot for sabotage and he deports the co-driver to Siberia. The train doesn’t move.
Khrushchev tries next. He brings the co-driver back from Siberia and tells him, “You’ve been away for a long time, but try to remember which controls do what.” He can’t and the train doesn’t move.
Finally, Brezhnev gives it a go. He orders that all the blinds be drawn across the windows and that passengers start rocking back and forth in their seats—creating, at least, the impression the train’s moving.
2. A telephone is ringing in the Kremlin. It’s a long-distance call, and someone wants to speak with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev. A staffer tells the caller that, unfortunately, the long-ailing Brezhnev is now dead.
After just a few minutes, the phone rings again and the same voice asks to speak with Brezhnev.
“Look, he’s dead!,” the caller is told once more. “Didn’t you hear me the first time?!”
“Of course. But it’s just such a nice thing to hear.”
3. Newly installed Soviet leader Juri Andropov receives a letter from recently deceased Leonid Brezhnev.
“I’m in hell,” it reads. “It’s not that bad here. But please send me a fork and knife. When Hitler’s on duty, he always forces me to eat with a hammer and sickle.”
4. IF WHAT THE COMMUNISTS ARE DOING WITH RUSSIA IS AN EXPERIMENT, FOR THIS EXPERIMENT I WOULD NOT SPARE EVEN A FROG.
Professor I.P.Pavlov, 1918.
5. Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev is making a speech. He finishes, then, as usual, asks for questions.
After a long silence, a man finally asks, “Was communism invented by scientists or by communists?”
Somewhat stumped, Brezhnev finally answers that it was invented by communists.
“I thought so too,” responds the man. “Scientists would have tested it on mice first.”
6. The Americans purchase Lenin’s body and place it in a little display
at the top of the Empire State Building. Then one day Lenin gets up,
gazes down on New York, and says with a smile of a deep
satisfaction, "What a beauty! Exactly as I was telling the comrades
what our future would be!"
7. What is a bream?
-A whale that managed to swim to communism.
8. A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the
horizon."
The audience wonders quietly, "What IS a horizon?"
-Answer: an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it
moves off when you try to get closer.
9. Rabinowich works in the Kremlin. He sits on Spassky Tower and looks into the distance in order to signal when he sees the communist ideal approaching.
Americans try to lure him to their side to help them predict when an economic
crisis is coming. Rabinowich, however, refuses their offer, insisting, "I need
a permanent job."
10. Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone?
-Yes, but the delivery was by TV.
11. Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?
12. Is communism a science?
-No. If it were, they would've tried it on dogs first.
13. Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in shit,
while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."
14. What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?
-A crocodile.
What has 4 teeth and 40 legs?
-The Central Committee of the Communist Party.
15. "I disagree with the communists only on the agrarian issues," said Rabinowich.
"They want me to lie in the ground, which is precisely what I want them to
do."
16. A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a
grin of surprise.
17. "Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"
18. Television tells us that our country abounds in food, and yet my refrigerator
is empty. What's wrong with it?
Simple -- just hook up you refrigerator to a TV cable.
19. A speaker explains the advantages of communism to the residents of a lunatic
asylum. Everybody applauds except for one guy standing at a distance.
-"Why aren't you clapping," asks the speaker.
-"I'm a nurse," he answers, "not a madman."
20. What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they
were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?
21. Chernenko is dying. At the last moment, the spirit of Brezhnev appears in
front of him and says:
- Your term on earth has expired. You'll be transfered to another world soon.
One thing I'd recommend to you though: take a spoon and fork with you.
- Is there a shortage of such things in that world? asks Chernenko.
- No, no, said Brezhnev. Normally not. However, when Hitler takes charge of
the cafeteria there, he'll no doubt remove all utensils and force everyone to
eat with a sickle and hammer.
22. Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in
the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.
23. Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.
24. Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...
